The story begins…
You meet a wonderful guy. You date, you drink, you eat, you sleep (among other things). You do everything together! Suddenly it seems so much more convenient, if you well…just lived together. It’s an exciting time to create a new chapter in your relationship. You decorate your new home, combine your kitchen utensils to make a full set (if you’re lucky), maybe even get a dog together. There’s a few things, however, that you might not realize you’re signing up for when you sign that lease.
While I have been with my husband for 7 years now and am well versed in all of the things I may experience at any given time, at one point in my life all of the trials and tribulations of having a live-in boyfriend were brand spanking new. For some, the casualties that come along with the new “roommate” can be overseen by the immense amount of love you posses for that person. Others can scar you for life or take a very long time to adjust.
1. Hair…hair everywhere.
You thought your long locks clogging the drain was bad…NO. Just no. When you live with a man, there is hair everywhere. In my case, my husband shaves his head regularly and trims his beard every other day so I might be getting the short end of the stick in this situation but if I didn’t know any better I would think there was a teddy bear floating in my toilet, reaching out and screaming for help. And not just the toilet…around the sink and, if you’re lucky, even the floor. It’s like giving a 5 year old a crayon and telling him only to draw within the lines.
2. The smells
Not to say men are dirty or unhygienic because most of the time they are actually more organized and clean than women *sigh* …but by nature, with men comes a whole new array of smells. Some are good, like the Old Spice body wash and the trace of Polo Double Black cologne they leave on the pillow. Others…not so much. Whether it’s the bathroom after a day of terrible eating, random pizza burps, or food left in the fridge far past it’s prime, there will be smells.
3. They are fascinated by your beauty routine
As my husband watches me put on my makeup I ask him to hand me my mascara. He looks at my makeup box blankly and back at me. He has no clue which one of my contraptions I’m asking for. Don’t even get me started about my curling irons. One is the metal thingy, the other is the “big dildo looking one”. Whatever it is you’re doing it is complete witchcraft to the male race and having the opportunity to watch you brew your spells first hand on the daily will absolutely mesmerize them.
4. Their idea of decorating is not the same as yours
Men are very simple. They like their beer cold, their tv big and their bed comfy. Anything else is just white noise. So when asking them which pair of curtains they like best and expecting a real answer you might be waiting a while because, really? They couldn’t care less – as long as you like them. which is all that really matters right?
5. They WILL ruin your laundry
While they try, (ohhhhh do they try) to do your laundry for you the way you like, they will ruin it. It will probably be your favorite dress you planned on wearing to that dinner this weekend because, well that’s how things work in life. It isn’t that they’re incompetent or unable to follow directions but more of the fact that they simply cannot take it as seriously as we do. To them it’s a simple routine: clothes go in washer, washer goes on hot, clothes go in dryer. Done. Not so simple in the lady world. More like wash these items on cold, hang these 6 shirts carefully to dry, these 3 only dry the last 10 minutes, and dry the rest normal. Just sounds silly to a guy who doesn’t understand delicate clothing or how important a great pair of fitted jeans can be to a girl. Although they sure enjoy them on.
6. They will rub off on you
Especially in my case – I live with my husband and a male roommate, the crude humor, butt scratching, nose picking, obnoxious burps and beer drinking, sports screaming antics WILL rub off. It is totally fine- until I am released into the real world and find myself doing those things in the wrong situation like out at a girls luncheon and unleashing a burp from the deepest depths of hell for all to hear.
7. They talk in their sleep
While I’m sure there are plenty of women out there that talk in their sleep I’ve heard so many stories about men having full conversations with themselves or non-existing characters in their sleep. Sometimes they make sense…other times, it’s complete nonsense. Just the other day, my husband started speaking German in his sleep because of some studying he had been doing for his sommelier test. Another time, I started recording his sleep talking and, I kid you not, he put his finger up in the air and like the scene right out of the shining where the child says “redrum”, he says in the same voice and script : “stop filming meeeee”. I have never been more frightened.
8. They do not love the 40 pillows on the bed as much as you do
While they look pretty and can be comfy to cuddle with, men have no tolerance for them. They take up their precious space on the bed and if they aren’t for their head to sleep on or to wedge in between their legs while they sleep in the fetal position, they have no time for them. Guaranteed they will end up all over the floor.
9. Sharing a bed with another person is not a walk in the park
I’ve been punched in the eye mid-sleep. I’ve slipped my foot in between my husband’s butt cheeks to the point where he was frightened awake and fell off the bed. In Arizona, it’s too hot to cuddle in the summer and mid-sleep you tend to say things in those moments like “ugh you’re hot get off of me” and in the winter I tend to steal all of the blankets and wake up to them being tugged off of me. It’s not always easy but it’s always worth it.
10. He will also see sides of you that cannot be unseen
We like our spouse to see us made up, pretty, makeup done and dainty. When you live together that goes straight out the window. They see all of your best moments, yes. The ones where you walk down the stairs looking beautiful for date night or that cute “headed to the gym” look you sport…but they will also see your darkest sides. For example, I had the stomach flu a few days ago. I laid there nauseous trying to convince myself I was okay.. until I wasn’t. I projectile vomited all over our bed, the carpets, and even the walls. It was not pretty. First thing I did was call his name and he came running upstairs, changed the sheets, got me a bucket, Pedialyte, saltine crackers and pet my head. It can be completely embarrassing to let someone see you so vulnerable, and this brings me to number eleven.
11. It will make or break you
I think it is so important to live together before you get married. Yes, I said it. I know it is against some beliefs, but in this day and age I think it is imperative to get to know who your partner inside and out before making the leap to the alter. If I can laugh at his sleep talking, make jokes about our hair ridden toilet, and handle doing my own laundry; If my husband can see me at my worst and love me more than he did the day before, I can go to sleep in my freshly washed sheets knowing that all of these things have only brought us closer together.